Witster Press News (WPN) - The recent incident in Iraq involving George Bush and an Iraqi shoe thrower has prompted the makers of Trivial Pursuit to consider to begin developing a Geedubya version of its popular board game.

"The recent incident in Iraq in which the outgoing President dodged a shoe thrown at his noggin by an Iraqi journalist prompted us to consider a Geedubya version of our game," said a spokesperson for the popular board game maker.

"We've already begun to craft questions. I suppose we could expand it and call it a "President's Edition", but for now we're looking only at the Geedubya Presidency."

So much happened during G. W. Bush's Presidency that Trivial Pursuit feels that one game devoted to his eight years would fill all the cards. "We've got the shooting incident, the 'Mission Accomplished' incident, the Iraq war, and the list goes on - both presidential and personal. It's a gold mine of trivia."

As a teaser for Trivial Pursuit gamers, the company has put out the following examples of potential questions and answer options for a Geedubya version of the game based on the recent Iraq incident.

Go ahead and test your mettle and see how you might fair.

Question:
"What size of shoe was thrown at President Bush during his final visit to Iraq?"
A. Same size as Bush's mouth
B. Iraqi's don't wear shoes.
C. Size 10
D. Such information is classified.

Question:
"What did GW Bush say after having had two shoes thrown at his head?"
A. "Hey, just my size."
B. "Missed me, now ya gotta kiss me."
C. "So what if a guy threw his shoe at me". (shrug)
D. "In future I will only visit Japan where they take their shoes off before entering a room."
E. "The US will not rest until all Iraqi shoes are found and destroyed."

Question:
Who said: "Honestly, who throws a shoe? That really hurt."?
A. Dick Cheney
B. Austin Powervich
C. G. W. Bush on his last visit to Iraq
D. Austin Powers

Answers: C, C, D

An offical announcement regarding the new version of the game has not yet been scheduled.

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NHL future looking dim due to economic downturn, funny pants

Witster Press News (WPN) - Detroit - In recent meetings of NHL governors (i.e., team owners), the world economic downturn was highlighted as creating serious problems for the league's overall viability. Plus the cost of pucks has shot up.

Perhaps even more daunting for the league was the finding that the pants hockey players wear are considered to be 'funny looking' by most fans according to a recent poll. According to the Harris-Shmarris poll 73% described hockey pants as 'funny looking' (up from 53% three years ago) and 18% wouldn't be caught dead wearing such pants in public (up from 15%).

"We may be facing a perfect storm of trouble," commented league president Gary Bettman. "We knew we might face some difficulty as a result of the economic mess gripping the world, but this other news is devastating."

Analysts predict that the three dollar 'puck' used in hockey has increased in price by almost 10% since last season. The increase is brought on by higher rubber prices due to shortages of rubber. "We're looking at using car tire rubber," said Bettman. "With the North American auto industry in such a mess we believe there will be a surplus of tires available which, with some tweaking, can be converted to pucks."

The NHL hasn't faced this much difficulty in puck availability since 1932 when rubber pucks were replaced with cow dung as the major ingredient during the so-called 'stinky years' (1931-1939).

As for the pants NHL players wear, or 'big boy shorts' to some, Bettman disagrees that they are funny looking or goofy.

"Of course, one wouldn't wear these out in public for any reason, but when teams are on the ice, these pants are the real deal in terms of hockey fashion," said a defensive Bettman.

The NHL did experiment with sweat pant-style hockey pants in the eighties. The so-called 'onesies' didn't really take off because players were unable to get inside them to adjust their package or perform other vital self-care functions.

Fashion aficionados have tended to avoid commenting on NHL-wear, but Professor Sylvia Stan-Smythe of the University of Fashionistas in New York did venture to say that the NHL style clothing would never make it on a Paris runway or even Milan for that matter. "There's nothing de rigeur about NHL fashion," said Stan-Smythe. "On their own, NHL hockey pants are akin to people wearing barrels with shoulder straps. It's neither a comfortable, nor functional look."

Stan-Smythe had no comment to make about the cost of pucks other than to say that often a rolled up wad of paper could be used in place of a puck. This is often what is done in street hockey when a puck isn't available. "Introducing this new 'alternative puck' for a time might send the kind of message to puck makers that the price is too high, although I am no economist," said Stan-Smythe.

Stan-Smythe did indicate that she has never really paid for a puck herself, having retrieved most of the ones she owns after they've been shot over the glass by a New York Rangers player and bounced off someone's noggin. "I do like a bargain and a free puck is a good one, even if someone gets hurt in the process."

Economic downturn, higher cost pucks, and goofy clothing; Will the NHL survive this 'triad of trouble', this 'threesome of the hockey apocalypse', this 'triumvirate of turbulence', this 'trois trouble', this 'trifecta of terribleness', this '2+1 of negativity', this 'end of days hockey-related dysfunctionality'? Perhaps only time, global warming, a new ice age, or the buzzer, will tell.

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Random Thoughts and Observations

Witsters - As it's been a while since I posted last, to create a break in this successful string of nothingness, I am pleased to offer a collection of random thoughts and observations for your enjoyment.

New Catch Phrase/Blurb
I have developed a new catch phrase or 'word stream' or 'blurb', if you will, which helps to fill gaps in conversation or slays uncomfortableness or can be used generally when you don't know what to say, but must say something. Here it is:
"Blah blah blabbity blab."

When I say this or hear it in my head I think of the father on Family Guy saying it to his wife or any other of the gang who populate this half hour animated cartoon. Say it over in your head. See? Can't you hear the dad saying it? Of course you can. With your help maybe the writers will put it in the show and give me credit. Write to the show early and often and request that they do this.

New term
Perhaps in the same vein or in an entirely different vein, I don't know which, I have developed a new term for use especially by those of you engaging with family during the upcoming festive season. Here it is.

Familial Escape Velocity (FEV)tm - this refers to the speed you must reach to escape the pull or grasp of your family or relatives. This is what makes it so hard to leave once Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa is over - some just can't get a high enough FEV to leave. Others, due to weak familial gravity, seem to achieve the right FEV almost instantly upon arrival home for the holidays. Others are somewhere in between. Often guilt plays a part and can either increase FEV or prevent the achievement of FEV. Best wishes to you in achieving your own appropriate FEV this holiday season. Hmmm, that last line sounds like a gift card phrase. For the right price I will sell it if a gift card company is interested.

New Word/TV Show
I recently had a plumbing situation which required plumbing type tools to resolve a clog. I call any toilet-based plumbing style situation at the point it requires my undue attention as being at a 'flushpoint'.

Now, stay with me here. There's that TV program called 'Flashpoint' about a SWAT team that swoops in to resolve emergencies. I perceive a similar program about plumbers who swoop in to resolve home based plumbing emergencies. I call this program or reality show "FlushPoint"(tm). I now await calls from HGTV to put together the right reality TV program based on this obviously superb idea.

Video Game
Almost everyone's heard of the Grand Theft Auto video game franchise. I have to say I was a little surprised when they came out with the latest version. Of course, hospitals are a mainstay of TV programming but a video game based solely on someone receiving intravenous, i.e., IV fluids does not seem very exciting. That is why I would not buy Grand Theft Auto IV (eye vee). A hospital based game about IV fluids sounds boring. Sorry game makers.

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Town Could Have Been Completely Wiped Out

Couldabeen News - North Summerbrook, Michigan could be completely wiped out if an F4 or F5 tornado hit the town.

According to Mayor, Stan Myers, while North Summerbrook has never experienced the wrath of the worst kind of tornados, if one were to hit the town, it would probably disappear from the map.

"I know this town," said Myers. "Lived here all my life. Because we've never had a tornado, we're complacent. Nothing here is built to withstand the big tornados. We might survive an F3 if we're lucky although some of the people along I-12 would pay a price. Those buildings are pre-20th century construction. They'd be gone for sure."

Mayor Myers doesn't feel there is any urgent need to act to strengthen the town's ability to withstand the biggest tornados.

"As Mayor," commented Myers, "My job is to point out where we are vulnerable. Awareness is a key aspect of preparedness. We don't have a local militia either, so we're vulnerable to attack, but there's a US Army Base about an hour away so we don't feel the risk is imminent. I could just phone the Colonel over there and just say 'Hey, we're under attack send some troops'. It's a no-brainer. But on the natural disaster front we have some vulnerability."

Myers recalls the wind of '01 as a case in point. "That wind of '01 is a case in point," he recalled. "Came through here like a freight train. Took the roof off of Hedley's Gun and Tote. Bam! Gone. Couple of trees were knocked down too. Old man Smithers lost some shrubs. Weather folks called it a gale force wind. We weren't ready. We didn't know it was coming. If we had known, those trees and shrubs and maybe Hedley's roof would have been secured."

Is North Summerbrook living in a dream world thinking it can continue to operate in the full knowledge a F4 tornado could wipe it out? "No," according to Mayor Myers. "We're aware of the situation. Talk down at the Road Top Diner on 11th street is that we could do something if we really thought something needed doin'. At the same time, knowing that all this would be gone in an instant is sobering - or it calls for a drink - not sure which."

The town does have an emergency plan. "Total panic is a plan," said Myers. "It's maybe not the best plan, but it's available to us. We also have the plan that was developed during the nuclear war scare of the fifties. Might just need updating such as changing the word 'nuclear attack' to 'F4 or more tornado' to make it work for us today. Not sure. Would have to see if the library still has a copy."

Myers said that the town council may look at the whole issue in the fall - after the current tornado season ends. "Once things are settled down a bit we can look at this and see if anything needs doin'. That's North Summerbrook. It's how we do things. We've got one eye on the future, one eye on the now, and one eye on past. Or, at least, Old Bill Smunken - 'One-eyed Bill' we call him 'cause he only has one good eye - has one eye on the past. I don't have much time for history, but if I need to know about the past ol' One-eye is where I go. He's getting on in years now, but if you want to know about something that happened, say, forty or more years ago, his mind is as sharp as anything."

While Mayor Myers remains confident his town can get together if it needs to address possible tornado threats, the fact a big F4 would wipe out his town making him Mayor of nothing, reminds him of the need for continued vigilence, at least in terms of running for re-election later in '08.

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Poem-apalooza

Witsters,

For a change of pace, we are dabbling in the poem game with some award worthy poems that will be sure to insight you to new heights of personal reaction, some even at the emotional level involving endorphins, serotonin, and other opiates amassed in your brainial cavity.

Poem # 1 - Self- Indulgence

... me ....

Poem # 2 - Ego-centrism

... I ...

Poem # 3 - Self-indulgence Unrated - The Possession

... mine ...

Poem # 4 - Ego-centrism - Hollywood extended version

... myself ...

We hope you enjoyed this change of pace and flight into the fanciful world of the poem; that it has not only entertained you, but brought you to a point in your life where things look just a little bit brighter like a multi-colored pony - the kind that the Froot Loops Toucan would ride off into a sunset of golden dreams of tomorrow as if Russell Brand, Mike Meyers and the fictional Hancock (starring Will Smith) were there with you urging you to compose like you've never composed before or ever will again.

These poems were specially written at the request of the Wisconsin Short Attention Span Institute in Milwaukee, WI, in cooperation with the Quick Hit Association of Peoria, and the Unemployed Vagrants of America.

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Star Trek Character May Sue Presidential Candidate

Witster Press News (WPN) - Just when Barack Obama, US Democratic Presidential hopeful, is feeling the full on pressure of a desperate challenge by Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination for President, he may have a new foe to face.

After reviewing several tapes of Barack Obama speaking, either to audiences or in interviews, Star Trek character Tuvok (played by the human Tim Russ), the Vulcan Lt. Commander on the Star Trek: Voyager series, is considering suing the presidential candidate for voice infringement.

"I didn't .. notice it .. before," said Tuvok, "But, after a friend .. told me that he sounded like me .. on review .. it does .. appear that .. Mr. Obama's speech cadence and pattern.. is virtually the same .. as mine."

Mr. Tuvok, known for his reasoned approach to issues, is considering engaging legal counsel.

"I have .. investigated this matter .. thoroughly," said Tuvok. "I believe .. that unless .. Mr. Obama changes his cadence .. and speech patterns .. I do have a case .. albeit a fictional one .. against him."

Mr. Tuvok could not point to any specific jurisprudence that would support his case, but did note that there are many cases involving infringements of one kind or another upon which an astute legal mind could focus. He is also certain that lawyers practising infringement law would likely jump at the chance to take his case pro bono.

"It is .. a high profile venture .. to be sure," enunciated Tuvok, unemotionally. "I expect there will be many who would .. be more than willing .. to take .. my case. I have .. already heard from .. some .. who know the Clintons .. and have worked on .. some of their .. legal cases."

Perhaps precedent setting is the notion that a fictional character has rights and can sue non-fictional "characters" such as Mr. Obama.

Said legal expert and scholar Heimrich Mendelheim, Professor Emeritus at the University of Northern Southern Northern Dakota (UNSND), "In the immortal words of "The Peoples Court" - 'you don't take the law into your own hands you take them to court.' Mr. Tuvok is on the right track. Rather than simply stalking Mr. Obama and challenging him in public, he is taking a logical approach. He is taking the legal route which, in my mind, is the only prudent course of action - fictional or otherwise."

At press time there was no word as to how the case against Mr. Obama might be presented or which law firm used by the Clintons would take the case. Needless to say, Mr. Tuvok's actions will put even more pressure on Mr. Obama to become more genuine in the eyes of voters and less like a fictional character dreamed up by Hollywood writers. Neither Barack Obama or actor Tim Russ could be reached for comment.

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Scam Warning Needs to Be Heeded - Again and Again

Witsters,

This special issue of WPN (Witster Press News) is being provided due to evidence that came to our attention recently of a terrible scam. Unsuspecting consumers need to be ever diligent and, as a public service to you, we are providing the details so that you, too, (especially the men in our readership) can protect yourselves.

Scam at Home Depot !!!!!

A friend of mine told me about this and he wanted to warn others of his experience:

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also January 2nd, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99.

You're welcome.

- Editor

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